two years and nine months ago, to this very day, i lost you
the day-to-day pain gets less and less,
but when the memories come back,...that pain.. that is the hardest
i miss you more as each day passes, and a flood of regrets rush through me
i regret all the times lying in bed after a nightmare, and not rushing into bed with you
i regret all the times we fought
i regret all the times i didnt understand what cancer was
and that mommy was going to die
i regret not clueing in to that mommy was sick and wasnt going to be around forever
i regret not making those 7 years i had with you after the diagnoses count,
if not for me, at least you
i regret not being told there was a time limit on how long you had
it makes me mad, but i cant blame anyone
how can you explain to a seven year old her mom wouldnt be around that much longer
14 years isnt long enough
why were you taken away from me
people say, god wanted another angel
but i say, i wanted a best friend
and thats what you were to me, my mother, my idol, my role model, my teacher, and my best friend
i miss coming home from school, you sitting on the couch watching your soaps
or waking up early saturday mornings to go skiing
or how you would brush my hair every morning
or help me get ready for dance recitals
or lying in bed with you when daddy was away for work
or when you were sick and we would watch 'i love lucy' or 'the three stooges' all morning,
and then making breakfast
or how when i was home sick youd care for me
and in the second grade when i missed 'beach day' from school,
so you put out blankets in the living room, and made popsicles,and we made sand castles out of lego
fuck, i would give anything just to have you back
to feel your arms around me
to smell the sweet scent of your hair
to hear your infectious laugh
or see your sunshine of a smile
i just want my best friend back
sometimes, it makes me angry
cancer, this whole pathetic world, having to live without you, being naive, being too young to understand..
why are there such things as cancer
why are there such horrible things in this world
why am i expected to stay in this world without you, and to stay strong
why didnt i clue in at some point
why did no body fucking tell me
i hate how no body understands what its like
when they see me break down
some roll their eyes
or tell me to calm down
or tell me to keep my head up, its what you would have wanted
they dont fucking know anything
theyve never lost anyone
no one as special as you
they didnt have to watch their mom battle through chemo and radiation and cancer for half of their fucking lives
no body understands
no body
i just want you back
even if it were for one day
i would give anything
i love you mom,
your little girl misses you